Monday, February 3, 2014

PostHeaderIcon Cara: Limbo

Oh God! No not that kind of limbo. The could get ugly...sheesh. Sit. Apparently I had a lot to say. 

I mean, the the limbo of what comes with what I like to call "being a certain age". I hesitated to write about this because sometimes I just don't like to put myself out there. Jenn and I talk about that a lot. Sometimes there are things that are "really wanting" us to write about them, but we just don't because we don't want to put ourselves out there. Writing a blog sometimes is hard. "Well who the hell is telling you to write one then?" Exactly. It's a burden  chore task I don't know what to call it...we have brought upon ourselves. Mostly though it's good, fun, even cathartic sometimes. 

So being on the "other side" of 45, two kids out of the house (kinda), in college and one left who although is only 11, is pretty independent (as much as an 11 year old can be) and self sufficient, leaves me kinda in limbo. 

I mean I am not foot loose and fancy free by no means. I still have one child who doesn't drive yet and is very busy so there's that. And he still needs me to feed him, help with homework and police his middle school hormonal issues and the need to test me.
 (...and Holy Moly is that another post ALTOGETHER). 

But I am finding a lot more time on my hands, which is mostly pretty awesome. I can go do my thing during the day without that pressure of having to get home exactly one minute before the bus arrives. Number 3 is either staying after school, walking home and stopping at Starbucks for a latte with his buddies (I'm serious, they are like 40 year old men sometimes) or he lets himself in for the 10 minute gap where maybe I am not home yet. 

Some of my Limbo Mom friends are getting jobs. That's good for them. Me not so much. It's not a laziness thing (I am MANY things but not THAT). I just don't want to do something to take up my time, I want to do something with my time. (Hello? Lightbulb moment...I like that...see? Writing does that for me sometimes.)

Please don't tell me to volunteer. Have you heard me mention PTA? Yeah. I'm good. I am still Presidenting for now. But I am starting to feel like my time is done there. (Not only because my peer Presidents are now people who have infants and graduated from HS 20 years after I did...for real.) My whole heart is not in it so much anymore. I still feel it's important but I am of the mindset that you do it-wholeheartedly- all or nothing-and leave it better that you found it-and know when it's time to move on. (I am loving my new favorite word "wholeheartedly" as I read my latest self help book)

So there in lies my limbo. I am thinking that a lot of 40somethings have some kind of limbo they face. I am really hoping there's no limbo in the 50's or 60's phase...I am seriously hoping to have it figured out by then, thank you. (I will right??) Whether it's an empty(ish) nest, kids growing into young adults testing their wings, divorce, thinking of going back into the work force, making that move that really could upset the apple cart...a myriad of things I am sure, I think they all could relate. 

It all snuck up on me. One day I was trying to get something, anything, done before the baby woke up from his nap to helping him pick out a Christmas gift for his girl(that is a) friend. That's marvelous for him and his siblings as they move along through their life changing and going through the things that they do as they they should. And as for me? I just don't know. Keeping house (ick I hate that saying why did I choose that???)  and PTAing used to be enough for me. Starting to thinking maybe not so much anymore. As I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I may have even tried "blaming" someone else for these latest issues. Who then said, "Maybe it's you and you need to figure out yourself." Ouch. 

I had even decided to pay a visit to church last week, not having been the best church-goer of late, if I am being honest. I can give you a million reasons all of them lame. I am not going to make excuses for that, it is what it is. One of my excuses reasons is that I get nothing out of what the priests in my parish say. Maybe it's me, maybe my mind wanders but I just don't.  

And no I dont want to try a new religion or a new church. This has it's ebb and flow for me as do most things. But that Sunday, I was hoping to spin the presiding priest wheel as it were, and get the new guy. Bingo. Well, he spoke and it was like he was talking to me. (cue angelic choir) Amongst the other good things he said (to a completely engaged audience may I add) was that do you feel stuck in your life? Are you at a place where you feel you need to jump start things but just don't know what to do or who to ask? (Umm..."are YOU talkin' to Me?") 

Then he said, "When someone says they love you from the bottom of their heart that means their love is so deep, so heavy it sinks to the bottom of their heart. When you ask for help…when you ask God for help, His love is so big it sinks into the bottom of your heart and pushes all the things you need help with, need direction with, that all the things that have been weighing heavy in your heart, up to the top. Then you can feel it, recognize it and deal with it and be helped through it. The worst place to be is a place where you think everything is fine…”just the way I like it"…"I am not going to deal with anything uncomfortable because I don’t need to"  "everything is fine the way it is. Just the way I like it.”  Or is it???

Now depending on where "you're at" you can substitute Spirit, Universe or whatever for God I suppose. But it made me think. Been thinking about it for a week, so much I guess I just feel like I should share it, put it out there and it will be what it will be. 

Just has had me thinking. Trying to figure it all out like everyone else I suppose.


Nora said...

Well put, Miss Cara! I think we're always in a constant state of flux and trying to figure out where our niche is in the world. I know that when you figure out what it is that you want to do, you'll be great at it. I'm glad I know you and count you as a friend of mine..xo

Facebook Friends Comments said...

Cara, I enjoyed your blog today, very insiteful and yes it does happen to 50 and 60 year olds and I bet 20 to 40 years olds also, very normal

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