Wednesday, May 14, 2014

PostHeaderIcon Cara: A work in progress

This Sunday I celebrated my 22nd Mother's Day (how did THAT happen). Mother's Day, for me has changed over the years. It has gone from gifts and cards "from" the baby or kids that Dad had to buy, to Mother's Day Tea at preschool and handmade cards covered with splotchy paint hand prints, to "World's Greatest Mom" this and that bought at the school boutique, to thoughtful meaningful cards they bought themselves to this Mother's Day where I sat around most of the day being waited on by grown children. 

I would have thought on that first Mother's Day when I was a 20something mom with a two month old baby, by my 22nd I would have it going on. I would know everything and mistakes would be a thing of the past. Not so much.

Mistakes are still made. "Should I let him do that or should I say no?" "Oh, that didn't work out too good maybe I shouldn't have."

I still worry. I don't want them driving at night upstate on winding roads at 12:00 a.m. I know he thinks he's big enough to stay home alone all the time, cook dinner and and have guests over (not happening), but I won't go too far once the sun goes down. I put one on ship to sail literally to the other side of the world (that one was HUGE...not sure if I will ever get over that)...what the HELL was I thinking??? Ugh.

The heartache never goes away. When they are done wrong or their heart is broken, mine goes to a million pieces. It's amazing how it puts itself back together and I even think it's gonna be less breakable next time. But it's not. No matter how old they are, if they are done wrong by someone that person better keep their neck from my reach because I will choke the ever loving life out of them. Hmm...sorry emotions running high today. 

I want it to be easy dammit. I want them to sail through life (in my case literally and figuratively) without people hurting them, without being beaten down and disappointed. I know, I know not going to happen. 

All I can do is guide. Even though I think in my heart of hearts I am doing the right thing, sometimes I think I don't know what the hell I am doing. 

So this worry, heartache, joy, pride will go on forever. It will never get easier, but at the same time it will never fade. I am just as proud when I see my girl sing on stage with her college friends as I was when that 6th grader sang the National Anthem at school and I thought I would fall over and die from pride (and the knot in my stomach). I have to still push my shy, man-boy to step out of the box and realize his potential. I have to fight the fight for my tween, as he battles through the hard knocks growing up can give him, even though I have been there, done that twice, to honest I am too old for this shit. Even when I want to give up, (I am tired dammit) I can't. I have to pick him up, dust him off and help him learn from things that happen. I find that I am still learning too, surprised by people in good and bad ways. 

Lots of times I tell him, that I am still trying to figure it out along with you. Why do people do what they do? Why isn't it fair? Why do I have to do the right thing when Tom,Dick and Harry don't? I wish I knew what the real answers were. But in the meantime I do the best I can every day. Some days are better than others. And on the days that aren't I get up the next morning and start all over again. (no wonder why I'm tired!!) 

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