Friday, October 16, 2009

PostHeaderIcon Cara: Aunt Flo

(Warning this post is not for the faint at to be

She's visiting this week. I really don't recall inviting her honestly. I tried moving and leaving no forwarding address but she found me here anyway. I really would like her to go away. I am done with her using her "room" and would like to turn it into...I don't know an office or a media room or something. At one time I welcomed her. I was even REALLY happy to see her on several occasions. But now it's gotten old. Real old.

She turns me into the most horrendous "hostess". I am a gal that enjoys company, but not one that cramps me up and makes my eyeballs bug out of my head. I usually enjoy cooking and serving food to my guests. Well, there's food but I am going to eat all of it. And if it's got chocolate in it you had better step aside if you have grown fond of that hand you are about to grab it with.

I love to sit and chat it up with my guests. But when she is here...the tone of a person's voice makes me want to run screaming into the night. Really people, can you just say what you need to say and keep your attitude to yourself? I can't understand why when Flo is here everyone around me suddenly is completely annoying and stupid? It can't me be I am the hostess with the mostess.

I get a high from preparing for guests to come. I am happy, full of energy. When this beeatch comes over, I am a slug. I am tired, I have a headache and I am not about to start cutting flowers from the yard to stick in a vase in her guestroom, she can bite me. Full of energy? Forget it. I'm empty. As a matter of fact I think I may need a transfusion over the weekend.

So really, Aunt Flo can you just pack your bags and be on your way? Go visit some 13 year old who is dying for you to come visit. (idiot) You are really starting to make me nuts. First it's brain farts. Then I think crazy things. Like the time last week in the waiting room at the doctor's office. I was chatting with a lady sitting next to me. She told me she was getting a hysterectomy. I thought (out loud) "lucky!" I was embarrassed. She laughed, and said "I know". Is that sick or what? See, I am not the only one who wants to you take a walk.

It's been real, but you are overstaying your welcome. It's time to pack it up and take your pads with wings and your tampons with plastic applicators that make me choke (that's a whole other post and yes I know which end it goes in thanks) and don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

Jenn's two cents: OMG Cara on a roll...thanks for the laugh this morning - I will stay out of your way for the next 5 - 7 days - let me know when flo is gone and it's safe to come visit!
Cara's three cents: Cara on roll? Sounds like a deli order...better be careful with that sandwich it may contain thorns...hee hee


Anonymous said...

Hey, Witchy Poo, See you on Halloween (thank goodness!)

Lisa Kennedy said...

Have you seen the Vagina Monologues? There is a whole thing on Tampons~ My boys refer to my period as "The Tire Fire" -- Don't try and put it out--- just let it burn!

I am in the beginning of menopause-- all the great stuff you mentioned added to the real thrill of never knowing when it's showing up!

Chanda said...

Damn womanhood. Men have it so easy.

Cherie said...

LOL- Based on our discussions lately- I would never had known that Flo was here!!!:)
What I want to know is how does Flo get around so fast- she's visiting my house this week too!!!LOL

Patricia said...

okay, so I guess I will talk to week?

Corrie Howe said...

Silly me! I get it now. I have a real Aunt Flo, so that's how I first read this. She's a sweetheart, but my grandmother is a pain, so I could imagine it was her visiting. :-)

SharonK said...

Oh you poor thing! And the worst part is that if you have a teenager Flo comes to visit you all at the same time!

Really, men should just move out at the "that time". Move out of the planet that is.

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