Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Monday, November 14, 2011
Cara:It takes a Village...
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Cara
You know that saying... "It takes a Village to raise a child"? I was not always fond of that saying because to me, it implied laziness on the part of the parent. Sometimes parents, expect the school to be the one that disciplines their kid. Or the babysitter to be the one that does all their homework and school projects with them. Or other people should drive their kid everywhere because they just can't seem to fit it in to their busy schedule. Never mind the Village, that always just seemed like slacking to me.
But now that saying has a different meaning to me. First because there are times when you need your "Village People" to help you out. You are sick and could really use that friend to take your kid after school, let him do his homework at their house. Or you can't be __________(fill in the blank) but your friend can and they will watch out for your kid or not let them get away with nonsense just as if you were there yourself.
Second, because as parents I think we all try our hardest to build up our kids' self esteem. We teach them, praise them, reward them for good behavior etc. But I have learned over the 18+ years of parenting that it's one thing to have your Mommy say "you're a good boy" or "great job", but it's quite another when another adult you respect tells you that.
At the ripe old age of nine, my boy has had one of the best experiences of his life. He played youth football for the first time. And if your Mayberry is anything like mine, if you wait too long (long being 4th grade) to join a sport, there's a good chance you could be washed up at 9 (you really need to start at birth it seems). But he waited to join until HE was ready. I had asked if he wanted to play since Kindergarten. He wasn't ready until 4th grade. (another lesson learned).
Yes, his team was 10 and 1. And yes they won the division championship and are going to get cool jackets. (believe you me there was jumping up and down, crying and cheering going on that day) But truthfully all that is icing on the cake. The really great thing is the boy that started football in August without a clue, in November is the boy that thinks he is an important part of the team. He is the boy that if he gets hurt during a play and needs to come out and take a breather for a minute is not made to feel like he is a wimp for coming out. His "injury" is acknowledged and then he is urged to "get back in there" because they need him out there. He is important. His dedication to the team, not missing a practice, continued improvement every week was acknowledged. He was taught teamwork. That it's not only the guy that ran the touchdown that is the "rock star", but he and his team mates as well because they were the reason that guy was able to run it.
He was taught that yes, skill, practice and listening to the coach is important. But he learned how to have heart. He learned how to pump up his team mates. He learned it's great to have everyone high five you when you do something awesome, but it's important to make sure you do the same when your buddy does too. Even if you have to wait until you are walking back to the car after the game and your buddy is all the way on the other side of the parking lot. He has learned mutual respect with another adult. He knows now as he always has that he needs to respect the adult in charge, be it coach, teacher or friend's parent. But he also knows it's not wrong to expect to be treated with respect right back.
Yes, I am a proud Mama when my "rookie" runs his "hike to Mike" play and scores the extra point. I'd be lying if I said it didn't matter to me. But I am equally if not more proud when I see him chest bumping his buddy when the buddy did something great. Or telling him it's OK if he made a mistake. Or focusing, making solid eye contact with his coach, and really listening to what he wants him to do and going out there and doing it. When he comes back in it's not me he looks to for a "good job" but his coaches.
So today I am grateful for my Village. It has given me renewed faith in the fact that it's not filled with Village Idiots. What my village can teach my child, can be something I may not be able to do myself. And for that I am more grateful than I could ever say.
But now that saying has a different meaning to me. First because there are times when you need your "Village People" to help you out. You are sick and could really use that friend to take your kid after school, let him do his homework at their house. Or you can't be __________(fill in the blank) but your friend can and they will watch out for your kid or not let them get away with nonsense just as if you were there yourself.
Second, because as parents I think we all try our hardest to build up our kids' self esteem. We teach them, praise them, reward them for good behavior etc. But I have learned over the 18+ years of parenting that it's one thing to have your Mommy say "you're a good boy" or "great job", but it's quite another when another adult you respect tells you that.
At the ripe old age of nine, my boy has had one of the best experiences of his life. He played youth football for the first time. And if your Mayberry is anything like mine, if you wait too long (long being 4th grade) to join a sport, there's a good chance you could be washed up at 9 (you really need to start at birth it seems). But he waited to join until HE was ready. I had asked if he wanted to play since Kindergarten. He wasn't ready until 4th grade. (another lesson learned).
Yes, his team was 10 and 1. And yes they won the division championship and are going to get cool jackets. (believe you me there was jumping up and down, crying and cheering going on that day) But truthfully all that is icing on the cake. The really great thing is the boy that started football in August without a clue, in November is the boy that thinks he is an important part of the team. He is the boy that if he gets hurt during a play and needs to come out and take a breather for a minute is not made to feel like he is a wimp for coming out. His "injury" is acknowledged and then he is urged to "get back in there" because they need him out there. He is important. His dedication to the team, not missing a practice, continued improvement every week was acknowledged. He was taught teamwork. That it's not only the guy that ran the touchdown that is the "rock star", but he and his team mates as well because they were the reason that guy was able to run it.
He was taught that yes, skill, practice and listening to the coach is important. But he learned how to have heart. He learned how to pump up his team mates. He learned it's great to have everyone high five you when you do something awesome, but it's important to make sure you do the same when your buddy does too. Even if you have to wait until you are walking back to the car after the game and your buddy is all the way on the other side of the parking lot. He has learned mutual respect with another adult. He knows now as he always has that he needs to respect the adult in charge, be it coach, teacher or friend's parent. But he also knows it's not wrong to expect to be treated with respect right back.
Yes, I am a proud Mama when my "rookie" runs his "hike to Mike" play and scores the extra point. I'd be lying if I said it didn't matter to me. But I am equally if not more proud when I see him chest bumping his buddy when the buddy did something great. Or telling him it's OK if he made a mistake. Or focusing, making solid eye contact with his coach, and really listening to what he wants him to do and going out there and doing it. When he comes back in it's not me he looks to for a "good job" but his coaches.
So today I am grateful for my Village. It has given me renewed faith in the fact that it's not filled with Village Idiots. What my village can teach my child, can be something I may not be able to do myself. And for that I am more grateful than I could ever say.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Jenn: Favorites?
If you have been reading the paper or watching the news you may have come across the newest "it" story. That every parent has a favorite child and that as parents we need to recognize this and work hard at appreciating all of our children.
So if you are the parent of one - you have it easy. The favorite is clear.
I am a parent of three - and yes, I have a favorite. I admit it. But here is the thing - it changes on a daily, weekly, and sometimes even on an hourly basis. My children are all very different. There are qualities in each of them I love. And traits I don't like so much... but there are days when one is my favorite for that day.
Whoever is whining the least that day gets my vote for favorite...or helps out the most...or just leaves me alone. I don't think I am unique in my views. I think that we all love our children -and even like them most days. But there are days or minutes when one wins out. For me, that favoritism doesn't last beyond a few hours or days. The "it" kid will do something to tick me off and someone else is "it." I have been accused by my children of liking one over the other - the funniest thing is they each have made that accusation - so there is no clear winner. I love and like all my children - some days I may just like one more than the others - and that's okay as long as they each get their moment to be the favorite.
Cara's two cents: Ditto. I always love my kids. But there are some on some days that I do not like. I am sure there are some points that they don't like me much either. That article you read is just another way to make us parents think we are doing something wrong.
So if you are the parent of one - you have it easy. The favorite is clear.
I am a parent of three - and yes, I have a favorite. I admit it. But here is the thing - it changes on a daily, weekly, and sometimes even on an hourly basis. My children are all very different. There are qualities in each of them I love. And traits I don't like so much... but there are days when one is my favorite for that day.
Whoever is whining the least that day gets my vote for favorite...or helps out the most...or just leaves me alone. I don't think I am unique in my views. I think that we all love our children -and even like them most days. But there are days or minutes when one wins out. For me, that favoritism doesn't last beyond a few hours or days. The "it" kid will do something to tick me off and someone else is "it." I have been accused by my children of liking one over the other - the funniest thing is they each have made that accusation - so there is no clear winner. I love and like all my children - some days I may just like one more than the others - and that's okay as long as they each get their moment to be the favorite.
Cara's two cents: Ditto. I always love my kids. But there are some on some days that I do not like. I am sure there are some points that they don't like me much either. That article you read is just another way to make us parents think we are doing something wrong.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Jenn: Micro-managing
There seems to be a trend among parents these days of micromanaging their kids.
A teacher-friend posted an article on FB yesterday about some of the biggest challenges our educators face. The biggest? Parents. Parents who complain when their kid gets a 79 instead of an 80 and want the grade changed. Parents who rush up to school and get their kid out of detention even though they clearly deserve it. Parents who badmouth teachers in front of their child and who question everything a teacher does.
Are there bad teachers? Absolutely. The article said watch out for teachers that always give A's even though the child didn't earn it. Often the worst teachers give the best grades because then they don't have to deal with parents. Then the teacher who gets the kid the year after is screwed - if Johnny got all A's last year how come he can't do it this year? Must be the teacher!
Micromanaging our kids can not be good for them. Every time you pick the "best" teacher for your kid, you are setting them up for failure later in life. Learning does not only incorporate the three R's but kids need to know how to interact with different types of people. When Johnny gets his first job and gets a boss who is mean how will he handle that? Mom and Dad can't swoop in and ask to have his manager changed. Will he be able to rise to the challenge and work with the boss who is a jerk? Or will he quit because he has never had to deal with someone so difficult?
My kids have had some wonderful teachers and some who shouldn't be in a classroom. The bad teachers only cross my path once - then I make sure the younger kids don't get them. There have been tears over mean teachers and joy over great teachers. I have never asked for a specific teacher and try to let the school do their job. I switched an assigned teacher once after ballerina, who was 9 at the time, took a red pen and corrected a welcome letter riddled with mistakes and misspellings and told me her teacher must not be very smart.
We all want to what's best for our kids but micromanaging their every aspect of life can't be the only option. I think sometimes we just need to let the chips fall where they may and let them learn to deal with what they are handed.
Cara's two cents: Micro-managing is rampant in Mayberry. One of the drawbacks of small town life where "big" fish swim in a little pond. If they ever let their kids out of their sight for one minute to swim in a big pond, I often wonder if they will drown.
You can't set your kids' life in a neat little box and think you are doing them a favor. You can't pick and choose their teachers, friends, how they want to wear their hair or what clothes they should wear forever. Someday they will have to put on their big kid underwear and heaven forbid make a choice on their own.
When my fishies leave the pond for the big ocean I will know that I did what I should/could have to make them strong swimmers that can swim against the current when they have to. And we big fish all know that we have to...more often then we would like. For some they can keep their fishy in their little pond with them...hope there's room. And the end it's all up to the parent fish I suppose. Happy Swimming...
A teacher-friend posted an article on FB yesterday about some of the biggest challenges our educators face. The biggest? Parents. Parents who complain when their kid gets a 79 instead of an 80 and want the grade changed. Parents who rush up to school and get their kid out of detention even though they clearly deserve it. Parents who badmouth teachers in front of their child and who question everything a teacher does.
Are there bad teachers? Absolutely. The article said watch out for teachers that always give A's even though the child didn't earn it. Often the worst teachers give the best grades because then they don't have to deal with parents. Then the teacher who gets the kid the year after is screwed - if Johnny got all A's last year how come he can't do it this year? Must be the teacher!
Micromanaging our kids can not be good for them. Every time you pick the "best" teacher for your kid, you are setting them up for failure later in life. Learning does not only incorporate the three R's but kids need to know how to interact with different types of people. When Johnny gets his first job and gets a boss who is mean how will he handle that? Mom and Dad can't swoop in and ask to have his manager changed. Will he be able to rise to the challenge and work with the boss who is a jerk? Or will he quit because he has never had to deal with someone so difficult?
My kids have had some wonderful teachers and some who shouldn't be in a classroom. The bad teachers only cross my path once - then I make sure the younger kids don't get them. There have been tears over mean teachers and joy over great teachers. I have never asked for a specific teacher and try to let the school do their job. I switched an assigned teacher once after ballerina, who was 9 at the time, took a red pen and corrected a welcome letter riddled with mistakes and misspellings and told me her teacher must not be very smart.
We all want to what's best for our kids but micromanaging their every aspect of life can't be the only option. I think sometimes we just need to let the chips fall where they may and let them learn to deal with what they are handed.
Cara's two cents: Micro-managing is rampant in Mayberry. One of the drawbacks of small town life where "big" fish swim in a little pond. If they ever let their kids out of their sight for one minute to swim in a big pond, I often wonder if they will drown.
You can't set your kids' life in a neat little box and think you are doing them a favor. You can't pick and choose their teachers, friends, how they want to wear their hair or what clothes they should wear forever. Someday they will have to put on their big kid underwear and heaven forbid make a choice on their own.
When my fishies leave the pond for the big ocean I will know that I did what I should/could have to make them strong swimmers that can swim against the current when they have to. And we big fish all know that we have to...more often then we would like. For some they can keep their fishy in their little pond with them...hope there's room. And the end it's all up to the parent fish I suppose. Happy Swimming...
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Cara: I don't wanna today...
I don't feel like wearing my armour today. OK well, maybe I would if I really looked like her when I wore it...but today I just don't feel like putting it all on. I don't feel like picking up my sword and tying on that cool cape. It's heavy. I just don't think I can muster the energy to walk in it today.
Do you have some of those days when the best thing you can think of doing is just staying in bed? I don't often but today...my pillow and the TV remote sound like a really great idea. It's 4 a.m as I type so you would think that's where I should be right now.
Today I don't want to fight the fight and it seems I have not been able to put that heavy dam sword down much. I don't feel like slaying the dragons that I cannot seem to shake from breathing fire at my heels from at what seems like every turn.
Sometimes people would say they think I need to just lay the sword down and take what comes. Sometimes I wish I could. I take that armour off to maybe go to sleep, but I am roused at 3am and without thinking I am back in it, lugging that dam sword around.
Of course I use the battle analogy for being "Mom" today. I just want to be the lump under the comforter today. Thing is, I don't want to be un-Mom today cause my kids are bugging me. It's their "dragons" that I am tired of slaying, for today at least anyway. Why does it seem that the dragons seem to go away for a bit then one by one they come lurking around, sometimes at the same time? I know when push comes to shove, even on days like this when I am defeated, deflated and just plain tired I will pick up my sword. I always do. But in my heart I just don't feel like it.
Wonder what movies I can watch on Netflix today? That's the only thing I want to worry about today. How do you think that will go? Yeah, I am not too optimistic either.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Cara: Parenting Re-do
Dropping the Diva off this past Friday for a college weekend experience has me playing over our parenting "skills" or "style" over the past 18 years (she will be 18 tomorrow). People had asked if I cried when I left her there. No, not at all. I know she is sooo ready to go to college.
She is mature, confident and has really had enough of the high school experience and the issues of living in a one horse town. She wants to experience new things, new people, new places. Part of me thinks, "OK you are done. We have done our job with you now off you go." Although deep down I know we are not done and "big kids-big situations" thing will always come back to bite me.
As I watched her talk to the college people (they talk to her not me...a new thing I will have to get used to!) she is polite, funny and engaging. Check. Job well done. As with all my kids I can give you a check list of what we have done right. As I am sure you can give me a list of what you did right as a parent.
But since I usually keep it real, even in my head, I think about what we didn't do so right. I hope the right outweigh the wrong...but I think about the "if I knew then what I know now.." which I do about a lot of things lately. I know that really accomplishes nothing. Hindsight is 20/20, Monday morning quarterbacking and all that.
I think, we gave them security of a good home, humor about life and the ability to laugh at themselves, the notion that they remember they are not the only person in the world and you need to think about other people too, how to be a good friend, how to behave when we aren't there. Those are some of the good things...
But, maybe we should have taught some of them the value of money better, and maybe not have made it so easy for them to have what they wanted. Maybe we should have pushed harder and not let them give up on things, which causes them to have regret (and so do we). Maybe we should have told them you get more flies with honey and don't need that attitude all them time. (Something I didn't learn til later in life) Or maybe we should have told them more often that's it's OK to put yourself first and not always play as a team and do the "right" thing, because sometimes that gets you no where fast. (who knew?) As a friend of mine just said "Doing the right thing is overrated sometimes." True that.
When it came to the little one I thought well here's one more chance to do it all right. Yeah, no. Do I know what to sweat and what not to sweat? Sure. But every one of my kids are so different and they bring to us individual sets of issues, and times when we are right on...score one for the parents! But they also bring us new heartbreak, thinking if we had only done it this way or that way it would have been better. If only we could have prevented their sadness or the doings of outside influences that break their spirit. Some days I feel like SuperMom and some days I feel like a failure. Thank goodness the latter days are far between, but they cut me deep and it takes me a long while to find my way back.
I don't have regret when it comes to how we parented. I just maybe want a re-do for some things, kind of like a make-up test. A second chance. But like with most things we only get one chance to do it right. We just have to hope we get it right. So onward I go. Fingers crossed.
She is mature, confident and has really had enough of the high school experience and the issues of living in a one horse town. She wants to experience new things, new people, new places. Part of me thinks, "OK you are done. We have done our job with you now off you go." Although deep down I know we are not done and "big kids-big situations" thing will always come back to bite me.
As I watched her talk to the college people (they talk to her not me...a new thing I will have to get used to!) she is polite, funny and engaging. Check. Job well done. As with all my kids I can give you a check list of what we have done right. As I am sure you can give me a list of what you did right as a parent.
But since I usually keep it real, even in my head, I think about what we didn't do so right. I hope the right outweigh the wrong...but I think about the "if I knew then what I know now.." which I do about a lot of things lately. I know that really accomplishes nothing. Hindsight is 20/20, Monday morning quarterbacking and all that.
I think, we gave them security of a good home, humor about life and the ability to laugh at themselves, the notion that they remember they are not the only person in the world and you need to think about other people too, how to be a good friend, how to behave when we aren't there. Those are some of the good things...
But, maybe we should have taught some of them the value of money better, and maybe not have made it so easy for them to have what they wanted. Maybe we should have pushed harder and not let them give up on things, which causes them to have regret (and so do we). Maybe we should have told them you get more flies with honey and don't need that attitude all them time. (Something I didn't learn til later in life) Or maybe we should have told them more often that's it's OK to put yourself first and not always play as a team and do the "right" thing, because sometimes that gets you no where fast. (who knew?) As a friend of mine just said "Doing the right thing is overrated sometimes." True that.
When it came to the little one I thought well here's one more chance to do it all right. Yeah, no. Do I know what to sweat and what not to sweat? Sure. But every one of my kids are so different and they bring to us individual sets of issues, and times when we are right on...score one for the parents! But they also bring us new heartbreak, thinking if we had only done it this way or that way it would have been better. If only we could have prevented their sadness or the doings of outside influences that break their spirit. Some days I feel like SuperMom and some days I feel like a failure. Thank goodness the latter days are far between, but they cut me deep and it takes me a long while to find my way back.
I don't have regret when it comes to how we parented. I just maybe want a re-do for some things, kind of like a make-up test. A second chance. But like with most things we only get one chance to do it right. We just have to hope we get it right. So onward I go. Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Jenn: Growing Up is Hard to Do
When I was three-years-old, I took swimming lessons. I hated every minute of those lessons. I remember the teacher like it was yesterday - he looked like Mark Spitz - teeny swimsuit and all. He had a big bushy 70's mustache. He was nice enough, I just didn't want to learn how to swim I already knew how. His job was to teach me how to swim properly - doing all the correct strokes, so my mother could rest assured that I was not going to drown while she was playing bridge. So everyday we packed off to the Yacht Club - mom to her bridge or tennis game - me to swimming lessons. I fought and fought and finally realizing I was going nowhere gave in and learned how to swim. I was a good swimmer. My brother and sister both swam competitively and so it was decided so should I. Except I didn't want to swim in races, I wanted to pretend I was a mermaid or play hairdo's or have tea parties under water. Instead I practiced. My first race, I was 4 years old. It was the 8 and under category and although I wasn't really much smaller than the 8 year olds, I was terrified. I cried and cried and said I didn't want to do it. My parents were not letting me off the hook so easily. My dad promised me carvel if I swam the race. Carvel? That was an incentive. We never went to carvel and I loved those chocolate bonnets. (That was back-in-the-day when McDonald's was something you did once a year - take out and eating out were unheard of. Dinner always served when the lights came on.) So I swam in the race - and yep, I won. Off to carvel we went - and that one race changed everything. I had talent, I was a natural swimmer, I was good. Except I didn't have the heart for it - it wasn't for me. Didn't matter. I swam on teams year round. I did like the camaraderie of all the other swimmers - we would see each other on the summer circuit or at races in the winter and try to best each others times. We would cheer each other on even though we were on competing teams. I went off to High School and then college as a "swimmer." I quit swimming after my freshman year of College. My parents were surprised. They didn't understand. It was never my dream. My mother still tells me I could have been an Olympic swimmer. You can only live so much through someone before that person grows up and moves away.
My kids show talents in lots of different ways. The day they tell me they don't want to do it anymore, I say ok. When my son was old enough to realize that he was every bit as good as the coach's son at catching but didn't get played as much - he asked to quit. I told him he had to finish the season and then he didn't have to play next year. We both knew he wasn't going to be a Yankee - but it was something he enjoyed doing. He didn't enjoy the politics of it and neither did I.
Everyone should love the life they are living, even kids. Everyone should be given a choice about how they spend their free time, even kids. As long as they are involved in something - sports or academics or dance and not hanging out on the street corner, they are good in my book. They don't have to be the best - but they have to try their best. They don't have to be on the swim team if they don't want to be or any team for that matter as long as they have a "something." Be it boy scouts or girls scouts, academic clubs or dance class - they each need something that they love - and so far I have been very lucky that my kids have found what makes them happy.
When Lu was five I signed her up for swimming lessons. Some days she just didn't want to be there. We stopped going. She is a good enough swimmer to keep her safe and that is all I need. I would love for her to play lacrosse - she doesn't want to. She wants to dance and cheer - and as long as it makes her happy, it doesn't really matter what I want. We can push our kids as much as we want. They might grow up being a star athelete. Then they will be grown and make their own choices. They may just choose to quit - don't be surprised.
My kids show talents in lots of different ways. The day they tell me they don't want to do it anymore, I say ok. When my son was old enough to realize that he was every bit as good as the coach's son at catching but didn't get played as much - he asked to quit. I told him he had to finish the season and then he didn't have to play next year. We both knew he wasn't going to be a Yankee - but it was something he enjoyed doing. He didn't enjoy the politics of it and neither did I.
Everyone should love the life they are living, even kids. Everyone should be given a choice about how they spend their free time, even kids. As long as they are involved in something - sports or academics or dance and not hanging out on the street corner, they are good in my book. They don't have to be the best - but they have to try their best. They don't have to be on the swim team if they don't want to be or any team for that matter as long as they have a "something." Be it boy scouts or girls scouts, academic clubs or dance class - they each need something that they love - and so far I have been very lucky that my kids have found what makes them happy.
When Lu was five I signed her up for swimming lessons. Some days she just didn't want to be there. We stopped going. She is a good enough swimmer to keep her safe and that is all I need. I would love for her to play lacrosse - she doesn't want to. She wants to dance and cheer - and as long as it makes her happy, it doesn't really matter what I want. We can push our kids as much as we want. They might grow up being a star athelete. Then they will be grown and make their own choices. They may just choose to quit - don't be surprised.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Cara: Guest Blogger
I do love the guest bloggers. Not only cause it gives me a day off but, I love to have a different point of view other than mine and Jenn's. Today we have our mutual friend who will now be fondly referred to within, as Rosie the Riveter. (pictured above) For those of you not familiar with Rosie, she is a feminist icon in the U.S. She represented the American women who worked in factories during WWII, replacing male workers who were serving in the military. There was a song written about her back in the day that went something like this:
"All the day long, whether rain or shine, She’s part of the assembly line.
She’s making history, working for victory, Rosie the Riveter."
She’s making history, working for victory, Rosie the Riveter."
That pretty much sums it up for me.
Without further adieu I give you our guest blogger....
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Nobody asked for my opinion but the bloggers in residence have allowed me the opportunity to reply to Parenting 101, so with the utmost respect for them, here you go....
Thanks for the notes but...
I guess I was absent that day...not that I wasn't schooled but I was home schooled. I had wonderful fantastic parents that did not suck in anyway. They were giving, patient, loving and tried very hard to do what they thought was the right thing. They were even certified by the state (I am adopted). They set a great example as to what parents should be, but they, like the rest of us, were not perfect so neither are their children, especially me.
First let me say that I agree that there are parents that suck. The mother who left her 12 year old home alone to go across the country to get married, she sucks. The parents I know who drank, gambled and did drugs while their 2 sons struggled, they suck. The mom I knew as a kid who sat in her living room doing crossword puzzles all day while her 5 kids ran rampant, she sucked. But I digress, we were talking about Parenting 101.
Should you live vicariously through your children? Now this is a matter of perspective, isn't it? Now don't get me wrong, like everything else there are extremes when it can be detrimental but trying to keep your child from having your same regrets is different. If there was a sport you loved as a kid but chose what you thought might be cooler, like hanging out on the corner, you'd wouldn't want your kid to make that same mistake. Your child shows a talent or a passion for something but doesn't recognize it, you should encourage them, right. If you missed out on opportunities, you want to make sure your kid doesn't miss, is that living vicariously through them or is it encouraging them in the right direction and having pride at their successes? I don't know, having kids is kind of a do-over, I know I could use a do-over for some things, don't you?
If you are not paying your mortgage so you can buy things for your kids, you are an idiot and have bigger issues than can be addressed here. If you are in a position to buy stuff for your kids, good for you, that is your prerogative. Just like it is mine to teach my children that you need to live within your means, earn what you get and that doing without will teach you resourcefulness. I have had this conversation with my 8 year old many times. When he asks why don't we have...? I remember to list the thing he does have, like our family, parents that love each other and him and that whatever things we do have mean more to us because we earned them. Not an easy lesson but one that should be taught.
When I look at my kids, do I wish they could have more stuff? Of course I do but it is my job to make sure they don't care what the neighbors have, that life is not a competition with another person, you should only compare yourself to yourself and be a better you not better than, whoever.
I agree that being age appropriate is important, however I think you need to remember that my due time may not be yours. I think 8 is too young for a child to have their own computer, but there are parents, parents that I respect, that have given their 8 year old their own computer. They have their reasons I am sure, but that doesn't work for my household. I know 9 year olds with cell phones, I think its nuts but I am sure their parents have their reasons. Would it make things easier for me if there were some sort of universal age limits for everything, like drivers licenses? Yes. Does it makes it harder for me to explain to mine that he will need to be 12 before he gets one? Yes, but that is up to me. I need to teach him he needs to be responsible enough to handle it, that is my job as HIS parent. That is my opportunity to teach him that you need to earn it to get it, here in my little world.
Dealing with competition is hard, some people are more competitive than others and we live in a world were everything is a competition, right? Teaching your child to try to be first is natural, I think. It starts at mommy and me. Johnny is talking already, Janey is walking already. We all do it. Especially with our first child. Now I do not think that stepping on people to be first is to be encouraged but I do think that encouraging your child to TRY to be first is OK and if they step on somebody on the way up I am sure they will meet them again, on the way down. Like the windshield and the bug, they will be on both ends of this particular conundrum, I am sure. As hard as it may be for you when your kid is the bug, chances are it will bother you more than it bothers them and the real trick is to not let them see that. If it does bother them, then teaching them to use that as inspiration to work harder next time is not a bad thing, is it? Look, I understand that you don't want to crush your 8 year old but if he is not on the superstar team because he is not as good as some of the other kids, it really doesn't matter what you call the team, does it? Don't you think he knows? Mine does. Here's the thing, if you are going to play, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.
Parenting. An Independent Study.
You see, I have a parenting style that may offend people or make them think I don't care and it goes without saying that I adore my children. They are special, amazing, miracles to me. To me, but not necessarily to the rest of society and I am a true believer that nothing in life is guaranteed. When I woke up one day to find myself with 3 sons I was painfully aware of the great responsibility to create 3 men. Not just men I would like to be around but men that would go out into the world and not be an entitled punk, not be a self-entered lazy person, not be a guy, be a man.
You see when I remind my kids that the rules apply to them, I do so because the example is easy to see of people who park wherever they want, drive wherever they want, cut lines, don't do their homework because they were busy or their parents think its stupid. When I tell my kids they are not special it is not to irreparably damage their self esteem. It is to remind the that they are not better than anyone else any more than anyone is better than they are. I believe true self esteem doesn't come from empty compliments, telling him he is wonderful just because he showed up, getting a participation trophy or bragging to other parents. True self esteem comes from personal victories, true accomplishments. If I puff my children up like balloons by telling them everything they do is wonderful they are ripe for the popping. If they earn praise they will have true confidence that can never be taken away.
So as for me I will continue to tell my kids they are not special, that the rules apply to them, even when they don't like it, that your only competition is yourself, and that the best reward is knowing you have done your best, even if nobody else notices.
In the end, how someone parents their children is as individual as fingerprints, even for each of your own children. The only prerequisite is to love them, try to do your best as much as you can and teach them that although someone else's rules are for them, my rules are the ones that count for my kids, for now.
Because I am the parent, self taught.
~Rosie
Jenn's two cents: I never did well at independent studies. Although my page is somewhat different than others, I try to keep it all the same. What works for one child does not always work for others and sometimes you change the rules in the middle of the game. My older kids complain that my youngest gets things way before they did (i.e computer at age 8 - my oldest was 12, my middle was 11) but just like my oldest waited until he was 5 before he has a lolly pop or candy or juice box and I made all his baby food, the age just seemed to change as his sisters came along - Lu had a lolly pop at 2 and baby food out of a jar. We all start out thinking we should be this or that kind of parent - but really at the end of the day we do what works best for us and our family. Thanks for the post Rosie!
Cara's two cents(ok more like four!): Well then. Great post and great comments. My two cents is this: While my previous posts about parents who suck and parents who need to get a clue where written perhaps in the heat of the moment, when things were really getting to me, I agree with a lot of what everyone said. I agree that a parent needs to be their child's advocate and biggest cheerleader. I can think my kids are the best things in the world but I surely don't expect you to. And I surely don't expect them to think they are better than everyone else. Are they better at some things than maybe the next guy? Sure. Is the next guy better at some things than them? Of course. That's life. I think rather than other people's parenting skills or lack thereof being my issue, because I agree we all do things differently, it's when their nonsense affects my life or my child's it causes me to get my back up. Ignore them? Yeah, well good advice unless it's always in your face. I do expect parents to act like adults, not children. I do expect them to remember it's children we are dealing with here and leave their issues, insecurities and political ambitions at the door. I know I do. I am not saying I don't have issues, but at least I know what mine are and keep them in check. And I would NEVER belittle someone else's child just to make my kid feel better. I always told my kids "Don't make yourself feel better my making someone else feel bad" Make yourself feel good by your own hard work, or God given talents. Never take any of that for granted because if you do everything for the right reasons with a kind heart, you will deserve all the blessings that come your way. I think we all need to remember we are in it together...going through the trenches like everyone else. There will come a day when things don't go your kids' way or things go exactly they way they wanted. Either way they need the tools to handle both the right way. I can honestly say, it's great when someone says to me "your daughter has a beautiful voice" because she does (God given/developed over the years talent) but it makes me happier when someone tells me, "your daughter was so kind to the girl that was crying at play practice she is a wonderful person, you should be proud". I am. Very. I do think we are raising adults. In the end, when they leave the nest...are they well grounded, loved, self-confident, good people that make you proud? If so, mission accomplished.
~Rosie
Jenn's two cents: I never did well at independent studies. Although my page is somewhat different than others, I try to keep it all the same. What works for one child does not always work for others and sometimes you change the rules in the middle of the game. My older kids complain that my youngest gets things way before they did (i.e computer at age 8 - my oldest was 12, my middle was 11) but just like my oldest waited until he was 5 before he has a lolly pop or candy or juice box and I made all his baby food, the age just seemed to change as his sisters came along - Lu had a lolly pop at 2 and baby food out of a jar. We all start out thinking we should be this or that kind of parent - but really at the end of the day we do what works best for us and our family. Thanks for the post Rosie!
Cara's two cents(ok more like four!): Well then. Great post and great comments. My two cents is this: While my previous posts about parents who suck and parents who need to get a clue where written perhaps in the heat of the moment, when things were really getting to me, I agree with a lot of what everyone said. I agree that a parent needs to be their child's advocate and biggest cheerleader. I can think my kids are the best things in the world but I surely don't expect you to. And I surely don't expect them to think they are better than everyone else. Are they better at some things than maybe the next guy? Sure. Is the next guy better at some things than them? Of course. That's life. I think rather than other people's parenting skills or lack thereof being my issue, because I agree we all do things differently, it's when their nonsense affects my life or my child's it causes me to get my back up. Ignore them? Yeah, well good advice unless it's always in your face. I do expect parents to act like adults, not children. I do expect them to remember it's children we are dealing with here and leave their issues, insecurities and political ambitions at the door. I know I do. I am not saying I don't have issues, but at least I know what mine are and keep them in check. And I would NEVER belittle someone else's child just to make my kid feel better. I always told my kids "Don't make yourself feel better my making someone else feel bad" Make yourself feel good by your own hard work, or God given talents. Never take any of that for granted because if you do everything for the right reasons with a kind heart, you will deserve all the blessings that come your way. I think we all need to remember we are in it together...going through the trenches like everyone else. There will come a day when things don't go your kids' way or things go exactly they way they wanted. Either way they need the tools to handle both the right way. I can honestly say, it's great when someone says to me "your daughter has a beautiful voice" because she does (God given/developed over the years talent) but it makes me happier when someone tells me, "your daughter was so kind to the girl that was crying at play practice she is a wonderful person, you should be proud". I am. Very. I do think we are raising adults. In the end, when they leave the nest...are they well grounded, loved, self-confident, good people that make you proud? If so, mission accomplished.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Cara: Parenting 101
I never claimed to be super parent. I don't know anyone who is. There are some that do things better than others, better than me. But I, like most parents I know, do their best.
So, in case some parents were absent that day, or cut class 'cause they thought they were cool, never fear. I took notes. I would be happy to let you copy for the test. I was always told I should use black pen, but I have always prefered blue.
1. Don't live vicariously through your children. Don't pin what you "missed out on" or "weren't" on them to achieve now for you. Try letting them show you what they want to be and help them achieve that. You won't be cool now at middle age just because you think your kid is. If you haven't managed cool by now...give it up.
2. No need to buy them every thing that they want, even if you are able to. (Yes, I have heard you tell everyone how much everything you buy your kids' costs...ad nauseum..Thanks we got it.) You will surely have to play the name brand game later on when they are about pre-teen or so. They really don't need to know that name brands are showy when they haven't even reached double digits in age yet. (side note: I like name brand stuff I won't lie. My big kids LOVE name brand stuff...but they're teenagers. I dress my little kid in some brand stuff I admit. He has no clue though, I don't think, he just wears what I lay on his bed in the morning.) "Everything they need and some of what they want" is a good measure, don't you think? I didn't make that up, remember these are just my class notes.
3. Everything in due time. If you give them privileges that say, a 13 year old gets at the ripe old age of 8, you are creating a monster and more aggravation for yourself. "Little kids little problems, big kids big problems." (I used to hate that saying until it kicked me in my ass...and it will kick you too...just wait, no matter how good your kids are) You need to remind yourself over and over again...that you are not shooting your kid in the foot, if you put your foot down and expect them to act their age and not like a teenager when they are still "single digit" age. (that's a hard one sometimes!)
4. Instead of making everything a competition between your kids and parent "friends" (I use that term loosely) try teaching teamwork, empathy, kindness, respect, humility, consideration, unselfishness, "un-self centeredness", friendship. (There were very many more. I may have left to use the bathroom at that point.)
So those are some of the notes I took in class. If I make it to Parenting 102 I will take notes again. I don't mind sharing them...we all need to be on the same page. I got your back.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Cara: Parents suck...just sayin'
Of course I don't mean YOU. But I am sorry, some parents suck. I beg your pardon if you don't like that expression, but it's true.
I try not to suck at parenting. Most parents I know don't suck. They make mistakes, like I do, but that doesn't mean they suck. Most of us try like hell most days. We don't always make the mark. We may say something we don't mean out of anger. We may let them do something we don't really want them to do and have it come back to bite us. That's being human. That doesn't mean you suck as a parent.
A father (true story) who was walking into school in front of me one morning last week...he sucked. He was walking his daughter in and she had a very heavy backpack with what seemed like a lot of books in it. He said "Why is your backpack so heavy?" She said "I don't know" So I said "Well she must be really smart that's why she has so many books!" He says "Oh, she is definitely not smart!"
Wait. What? Are you serious? OK, Dad you totally suck. She was embarrassed now. I was embarrassed. She said " Yeah, bye Roger!" He said "You calling me by my first name now?" She said "Anyone who says something mean like that doesn't deserve to be called Daddy." Well then. She totally did not suck. What the heck was that? Hello? Ever hear about building UP your child's self esteem?
Or how about the parent that teaches their child all that matters is being first, being better than everyone else, having the "thing" before your friends whether that means you lie, put down or step on kids that are supposed to be your friend? They suck. The especially suck when most parents I know teach their kids to play as part of a team and not always try to be the superstar. Or put other people's feelings first sometimes especially when they are your friend. Or to play fair and call them on it when they don't, instead of teaching them to be a sneak? Yeah they suck.
Thing is although sometimes I come upon children that would like smack, I have to remember their parents probably suck and it's not really their fault.
Maybe parents that suck should stop trying to live vicariously through their 8 year olds. Maybe they should try to remember they are raising someone who is going to be a grown man or woman someday. Don't they want that grown up to be a good person and a productive member of society and not just another grown up that sucks? Maybe they don't care.
I do. I don't want grown up children who I don't want to be around. That would suck. Just sayin'.
Jenn's two cents: my two cents turned into a whole post - it will be up tomorrow!
I try not to suck at parenting. Most parents I know don't suck. They make mistakes, like I do, but that doesn't mean they suck. Most of us try like hell most days. We don't always make the mark. We may say something we don't mean out of anger. We may let them do something we don't really want them to do and have it come back to bite us. That's being human. That doesn't mean you suck as a parent.
A father (true story) who was walking into school in front of me one morning last week...he sucked. He was walking his daughter in and she had a very heavy backpack with what seemed like a lot of books in it. He said "Why is your backpack so heavy?" She said "I don't know" So I said "Well she must be really smart that's why she has so many books!" He says "Oh, she is definitely not smart!"
Wait. What? Are you serious? OK, Dad you totally suck. She was embarrassed now. I was embarrassed. She said " Yeah, bye Roger!" He said "You calling me by my first name now?" She said "Anyone who says something mean like that doesn't deserve to be called Daddy." Well then. She totally did not suck. What the heck was that? Hello? Ever hear about building UP your child's self esteem?
Or how about the parent that teaches their child all that matters is being first, being better than everyone else, having the "thing" before your friends whether that means you lie, put down or step on kids that are supposed to be your friend? They suck. The especially suck when most parents I know teach their kids to play as part of a team and not always try to be the superstar. Or put other people's feelings first sometimes especially when they are your friend. Or to play fair and call them on it when they don't, instead of teaching them to be a sneak? Yeah they suck.
Thing is although sometimes I come upon children that would like smack, I have to remember their parents probably suck and it's not really their fault.
Maybe parents that suck should stop trying to live vicariously through their 8 year olds. Maybe they should try to remember they are raising someone who is going to be a grown man or woman someday. Don't they want that grown up to be a good person and a productive member of society and not just another grown up that sucks? Maybe they don't care.
I do. I don't want grown up children who I don't want to be around. That would suck. Just sayin'.
Jenn's two cents: my two cents turned into a whole post - it will be up tomorrow!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Cara: Striving for perfection?
Someone in a recent "heated" discussion said to me "Oh I forgot you are the perfect mother". I dam near lost my mind. Granted there were other things going on before and during this "discussion" there were contributors to why I wanted to throttle this person. But later on after the dust settled I was thinking about why that was the one thing this person said to really set me off.
Do I think I am the "perfect mother"? Do other people perceive me as someone who thinks she is the "perfect mother"?
Do I think I am perfect? Not even close. Do I sometimes set myself up striving for perfection and miss the mark? Yeah, most days. I think we would all love to be perfect at least once in awhile. And I would go out on a limb and say some days I could come pretty close...mothering wise that is. (in other ways...maybe not so much)
As moms we have some days we are awesome. (someone else also once told me "you are awesome at life"...I prefer to remind myself of that comment rather than "perfect") We are right on it. Make the right decision. Take the kid to the doctor 'cause we just know they are getting sick to find they have a raging ear infection brewing. Make them a birthday cake they still talk about 12 years later.
I could make an equally long list of the days when we are maybe not so perfect. One that would include yelling like a banshee when they have put us over the edge for the 10th time in a day. Or not having the patience of a saint that it takes to help a kid get four pages of spelling done at 5:00 in the afternoon. Or looking for a moment, at a teenager with thoughts of ways to inflict pain on them, while thinking this cannot be the sweet child who once thought I was all that and a bag of chips.
So do I strive for perfection? Maybe in 100 little ways. Will there ever be total perfection? Never. I hope that is not the face I present to the world. I know I would not want to be around someone who thinks they are perfect. Imperfect people who brag all the time are enough for me to want to pummel...never mind the perfect person.
So June Cleaver I will never be. Maybe somewhere between her and Rosanne Connor is a comfy place to sit. I'll take it.
Do I think I am the "perfect mother"? Do other people perceive me as someone who thinks she is the "perfect mother"?
Do I think I am perfect? Not even close. Do I sometimes set myself up striving for perfection and miss the mark? Yeah, most days. I think we would all love to be perfect at least once in awhile. And I would go out on a limb and say some days I could come pretty close...mothering wise that is. (in other ways...maybe not so much)
As moms we have some days we are awesome. (someone else also once told me "you are awesome at life"...I prefer to remind myself of that comment rather than "perfect") We are right on it. Make the right decision. Take the kid to the doctor 'cause we just know they are getting sick to find they have a raging ear infection brewing. Make them a birthday cake they still talk about 12 years later.
I could make an equally long list of the days when we are maybe not so perfect. One that would include yelling like a banshee when they have put us over the edge for the 10th time in a day. Or not having the patience of a saint that it takes to help a kid get four pages of spelling done at 5:00 in the afternoon. Or looking for a moment, at a teenager with thoughts of ways to inflict pain on them, while thinking this cannot be the sweet child who once thought I was all that and a bag of chips.
So do I strive for perfection? Maybe in 100 little ways. Will there ever be total perfection? Never. I hope that is not the face I present to the world. I know I would not want to be around someone who thinks they are perfect. Imperfect people who brag all the time are enough for me to want to pummel...never mind the perfect person.
So June Cleaver I will never be. Maybe somewhere between her and Rosanne Connor is a comfy place to sit. I'll take it.
Jenn's two cents: I think most Mom's strive to be the best they can be - some days we hit the mark other days we are way off...but when people see a Mom who has more good days than bad they label her, maybe fighting back their own insecurities regarding parenting? Cara is a GREAT mom - her kids behavior and her relationship with them proves it - I bet if you asked MP about his mom he would say she is perfect even when she is screaming like a banshee!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Jenn: Girls
The ballet teacher told me she thought the other girl must have misunderstood what Mae said. She told me she is the politest, nicest, young lady in the class. She told me she has never shown anyone anything but kindness and didn't know where this other girl was coming from. Having said all that, she still wanted me to know there was a problem with another child. She wouldn't tell me which child or exactly what was said. She asked me to speak to my daughter to find out what the problem was.
After hanging up the phone, I got mad. I am friends with all the moms. Why wouldn't they just approach me and tell me what was going on? Am I that scary? Did they think I would react badly? If someone tells me my child said something, it would start a conversation that we could all be part of. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding - maybe my daughter was being sarcastic or maybe even mean. Here is the thing though, we won't find out. I decided I am not going to talk to her about it. In general terms I asked if everything was okay in class - any problems? She told me everything was great - why would there be any problems?
These girls are 12 years old. I would think by that age, you should be able to talk amongst yourselves and not going running home to Mommy. As for the moms, now I am suspicious of everyone of them - who called and ratted out my daughter? Why couldn't you just say something to me directly? I will start distancing myself from all of them - and get less involved in the whole ballet mom thing - because I don't need bullshit in my life.
Today is the big ballet competition - so I will be with the moms all day. Wonder which one won't be able to look me in the eye? Maybe I will just walk up to each one and ask is there a problem with Mae - or maybe I won't and just let them sweat it out.
If this were boys we were talking about, nothing would ever had been said. The offended boy would have punched my son and called it a day, running off to be best friends again. Why are girls so dramatic?
Cara's two cents: Funny when I started reading your post I was thinking it was the teacher that said something to a kid and she was doing damage control for herself. Didn't think for a minute it was Mae, which is a testament to what kind of girl she is right there. They are 12 years old they need to start working things out on their own. And that mother that went to the teacher and not you...well, I am sure you know my feelings on that. I wish I wasn't busy today or I would come with you and give them all my death stare. I will try to send it telepathically for you. Good luck. I think you did the right thing. No need to make Mae off her game today with competition. Wondering though if that was the plan all along? Hmmmm.....
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Jenn: Possessed
I don't believe in reincarnation or witchcraft or the supernatural. Years ago I would have added "being possessed" to that list. My views have changed. I believe my 8-year-old is possessed - by a teenager. Okay - not really - but something is going on. 8-year-olds are supposed to be all sweetness and light. Sugar and Spice. Cute little dresses and pigtails. Barbies and dolls and puppies and all things good.
My 8-year-old is more like grunge and rock-n-roll and Ugg boots and Butter sweatshirts and screaming matches in the morning over hair and clothes. She takes her 12-year-old sisters clothes and tries to wear them. She even tries to sneak lip gloss off to school. Who are you and what have you done with my baby? It's not just my daughter. It's a lot of the girls in third grade. A friend told me her 8-year-old wakes up early to shower and blow-dry and straighten her hair. It's true that girls mature faster than boys. But I have lived through 8 already with a boy and a girl and never were there screaming matches in my house like this before. I am arguing with an 8-year-old over things that shouldn't even be up for discussion. I am going to take the blame for some of it. I am strict - but apparently not strict enough. I try to monitor the TV viewing and computers but sometimes things slip by.
My daughter wants to be ICarly or London Tipton or some girl from Camp Rock - these are her role models. I wanted to be Laura or Mary Ingalls - those were my role models. No similarities at all between what she watches on TV now and what I watched as a kid. TV, music videos, Internet access, music and tween magazines definitely have a grip on our kids like never before. I take full responsibility for exposing her to these things - we live in a different era. Kids need to be tech savvy but there has to be a limit.
I know a family who only allows TV on the weekends. I think there would be a revolt in my house if I went that far. But today starts an experiment in TV and computer usage. 2 hours per day of screen time for all of us, including me. We need to downsize our reliance on technology. We need to rely less on the TV and computer for entertainment and more on books and games and family time. I don't know how long it will be before I cave and give in to more screen time or how many fights I will have to go through in my house - but I am going to try my best to stick to my guns and make this work. I hope it will teach us all something about ourselves and our family. To rely less on material things and more on each other. Wish me luck!
Cara's two cents: Lu will never be Mary Ingalls...(ew)settle for somewhere between Mary and iCarly! :)
My 8-year-old is more like grunge and rock-n-roll and Ugg boots and Butter sweatshirts and screaming matches in the morning over hair and clothes. She takes her 12-year-old sisters clothes and tries to wear them. She even tries to sneak lip gloss off to school. Who are you and what have you done with my baby? It's not just my daughter. It's a lot of the girls in third grade. A friend told me her 8-year-old wakes up early to shower and blow-dry and straighten her hair. It's true that girls mature faster than boys. But I have lived through 8 already with a boy and a girl and never were there screaming matches in my house like this before. I am arguing with an 8-year-old over things that shouldn't even be up for discussion. I am going to take the blame for some of it. I am strict - but apparently not strict enough. I try to monitor the TV viewing and computers but sometimes things slip by.
My daughter wants to be ICarly or London Tipton or some girl from Camp Rock - these are her role models. I wanted to be Laura or Mary Ingalls - those were my role models. No similarities at all between what she watches on TV now and what I watched as a kid. TV, music videos, Internet access, music and tween magazines definitely have a grip on our kids like never before. I take full responsibility for exposing her to these things - we live in a different era. Kids need to be tech savvy but there has to be a limit.
I know a family who only allows TV on the weekends. I think there would be a revolt in my house if I went that far. But today starts an experiment in TV and computer usage. 2 hours per day of screen time for all of us, including me. We need to downsize our reliance on technology. We need to rely less on the TV and computer for entertainment and more on books and games and family time. I don't know how long it will be before I cave and give in to more screen time or how many fights I will have to go through in my house - but I am going to try my best to stick to my guns and make this work. I hope it will teach us all something about ourselves and our family. To rely less on material things and more on each other. Wish me luck!
Cara's two cents: Lu will never be Mary Ingalls...(ew)settle for somewhere between Mary and iCarly! :)
Friday, August 6, 2010
Cara: Still as the axis of a wheel
While we are on the subject of this mom thing....it reminds me of something I'm reading in the book "Gift from the Sea"...
"..women must be still as the axis of a wheel in the midst of her activities...not only for her own salvation but for the salvation of family life, of society, perhaps even our civilization."
Boy that's a lot to take on huh? But we do it. We take it on. We take it all on. We work inside or outside the home. We take care of our kids, our marriages, our homes. We are required to do it all whether or not there's another place we need to be 9-5 or home all afternoon life guarding 10 kids in the pool, when we really should be inside cleaning the bathrooms. And if we don't do it all and do it well....then all hell breaks loose.
No one stands up and claps for us if we made all the beds that day. No one thinks "Wow her kids' clothes are clean", or "Great job, the floor under the kitchen table is swept." No one thinks she is a great mom out working at a job and missing her kids' class trip.
Oh, but if the dad sweeps, makes dinner or gets to take a day off and go on the trip he is a rock star.
If we don't hold each other up, take each other's kids, pat each other on the back, really who will? Some days it's easy to be the axis of the wheel. We get it all right. Wake up before the birds, start the coffee, feed the pets, make the lunches, neaten the house, make the beds, get everyone (and maybe ourselves too) off for the day, We help with homework, get them to practice on time, make a dinner from scratch everyone likes, listen to everyone's stories of the day and get to bed a reasonable hour. Then get up again the next day and try to do it right again. Then we probably don't.
So we need each other to help keep the axis steady. It's not about who does it better. We are all trying most days to just keep the wheel spinning.
"..women must be still as the axis of a wheel in the midst of her activities...not only for her own salvation but for the salvation of family life, of society, perhaps even our civilization."
Boy that's a lot to take on huh? But we do it. We take it on. We take it all on. We work inside or outside the home. We take care of our kids, our marriages, our homes. We are required to do it all whether or not there's another place we need to be 9-5 or home all afternoon life guarding 10 kids in the pool, when we really should be inside cleaning the bathrooms. And if we don't do it all and do it well....then all hell breaks loose.
No one stands up and claps for us if we made all the beds that day. No one thinks "Wow her kids' clothes are clean", or "Great job, the floor under the kitchen table is swept." No one thinks she is a great mom out working at a job and missing her kids' class trip.
Oh, but if the dad sweeps, makes dinner or gets to take a day off and go on the trip he is a rock star.
If we don't hold each other up, take each other's kids, pat each other on the back, really who will? Some days it's easy to be the axis of the wheel. We get it all right. Wake up before the birds, start the coffee, feed the pets, make the lunches, neaten the house, make the beds, get everyone (and maybe ourselves too) off for the day, We help with homework, get them to practice on time, make a dinner from scratch everyone likes, listen to everyone's stories of the day and get to bed a reasonable hour. Then get up again the next day and try to do it right again. Then we probably don't.
So we need each other to help keep the axis steady. It's not about who does it better. We are all trying most days to just keep the wheel spinning.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Jenn: It takes a Village
I had planned to write all about my visit to the GYNO yesterday - but turned on the news and my focused was changed - lucky you!
If you were watching the Today Show this morning, there was a debate going on about stay-at-home moms vs. working moms and an article that was written titled "Yes I'm Home, No I can't pick up your child," which ran in the Wall Street Journal yesterday.
The article was basically saying that stay-at-home parents are asked to do more than working parents. They are asked to pick up children and volunteer and be more involved because it is assumed they have more time. Even if they work from home, there seems to be this idea that they have free time to pick up others children and run their errands. The article also focused on saying NO - and knowing when it is too much or what you really want to be involved in.
As a stay-at-home Mom and formerly a working-mom I am well-schooled on this subject.. I have been on both sides. There is nothing harder and easier than being a working mom. Dropping off your kids, missing them through-out the day, especially when they are babies, can be heart wrenching. Picking them up from daycare at 6:00 and then having to go home and make dinner, do baths and get everyone off to bed is exhausting. Somewhere between coming home and bedtime - you have to fit in homework, grocery shopping, house cleaning and laundry. You spend your weekends doing all the errands you couldn't do during the week. On the up side, the house is cleaner because the kids aren't home to make a mess. Everyone pitches in more because mom isn't there to do it. Kids seem to be a bit more independent - well because they have to be. There is more money in the checking account.
Staying at home gives you so much and also takes so much. You get to spend time with your children. To not worry about what they are doing all day at daycare. To be their entertainment morning , noon and night. You have to try to figure out how to clean the house and do the laundry with a toddler in tow undoing everything you have just done. You have to take the kids to the grocery store with you. You have to have play dates and spend hours at the playground or other peoples houses. You have to be involved in school - PTA, Class Mom, volunteer because you can - because you are home. It is hard to say no. Your children want to see you at the Mother's Day plant sale or the Christmas boutique. They expect you to be around - and as they get older and maybe you don't get home before the bus, they will be calling you demanding to know where you are because they expect you to be home with a smile and cookies in your hand - they are used to it by now.
The end result is it takes a village. It takes working parents and non-working parents and friends and family to raise our children. It takes cooperation and loyalty and good friends to help out when needed. It is a give and take. You need to have people you can rely on to help out with your kids and you need to return the favor. The most important thing in this debate is the children - and what kind of adults we are raising them to be.
Back to that GYNO appointment - why would anyone, ever, want to be a gyno? 'nough said.
Cara's two cents: Great post today pal. I recently just told someone that I am done making excuses to people why I am a SAHM. I no longer feel the need to do that. Like I have said before we are all on the same team. We should act like it.
If you were watching the Today Show this morning, there was a debate going on about stay-at-home moms vs. working moms and an article that was written titled "Yes I'm Home, No I can't pick up your child," which ran in the Wall Street Journal yesterday.
The article was basically saying that stay-at-home parents are asked to do more than working parents. They are asked to pick up children and volunteer and be more involved because it is assumed they have more time. Even if they work from home, there seems to be this idea that they have free time to pick up others children and run their errands. The article also focused on saying NO - and knowing when it is too much or what you really want to be involved in.
As a stay-at-home Mom and formerly a working-mom I am well-schooled on this subject.. I have been on both sides. There is nothing harder and easier than being a working mom. Dropping off your kids, missing them through-out the day, especially when they are babies, can be heart wrenching. Picking them up from daycare at 6:00 and then having to go home and make dinner, do baths and get everyone off to bed is exhausting. Somewhere between coming home and bedtime - you have to fit in homework, grocery shopping, house cleaning and laundry. You spend your weekends doing all the errands you couldn't do during the week. On the up side, the house is cleaner because the kids aren't home to make a mess. Everyone pitches in more because mom isn't there to do it. Kids seem to be a bit more independent - well because they have to be. There is more money in the checking account.
Staying at home gives you so much and also takes so much. You get to spend time with your children. To not worry about what they are doing all day at daycare. To be their entertainment morning , noon and night. You have to try to figure out how to clean the house and do the laundry with a toddler in tow undoing everything you have just done. You have to take the kids to the grocery store with you. You have to have play dates and spend hours at the playground or other peoples houses. You have to be involved in school - PTA, Class Mom, volunteer because you can - because you are home. It is hard to say no. Your children want to see you at the Mother's Day plant sale or the Christmas boutique. They expect you to be around - and as they get older and maybe you don't get home before the bus, they will be calling you demanding to know where you are because they expect you to be home with a smile and cookies in your hand - they are used to it by now.
The end result is it takes a village. It takes working parents and non-working parents and friends and family to raise our children. It takes cooperation and loyalty and good friends to help out when needed. It is a give and take. You need to have people you can rely on to help out with your kids and you need to return the favor. The most important thing in this debate is the children - and what kind of adults we are raising them to be.
Back to that GYNO appointment - why would anyone, ever, want to be a gyno? 'nough said.
Cara's two cents: Great post today pal. I recently just told someone that I am done making excuses to people why I am a SAHM. I no longer feel the need to do that. Like I have said before we are all on the same team. We should act like it.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Cara: On the same team
Yesterday I got a chance to sit with some moms that I don't normally or never spend time with. Most of the time I spend time with the moms that are also my friends. Our kids are friends, our husbands are friends it's easy.
Whenever I am with other moms it's usually at a meeting or a game or something like that. Which is fine, we sit, we chat...make small talk, have a few laughs.
Yesterday it was nice to sit with some new faces and listen to their stories. Of course we talked about our kids. What else? But even with new faces, new stories the thread that binds us all together is always there. Our kids. The things we worry about, our concerns about who they are becoming, or obstacles they face.
There was no talk of who worked, or who didn't. What "stuff" our kids have or what kind of pocketbook we carry. Just moms. Talking, trying to give each other advice when asked or a little slack when one's kid accidentally bonked another with a toy.
It made me remember we are all on the same team. (Well, most of us anyway. There are moms still on my "I would like to pull your hair out list"...sorry, but you know I gotta keep it real!)
We all want what's best for our kids and not at anyone's expense. It would be nice if they were the most popular, best athlete, honor student etc. But we are all OK if they are whatever makes them happy. I think we all need to hear it from our peers that we are doing OK. That we made the right decision, that we aren't crazy for thinking what we do. It was nice to have an afternoon of not having to compete for best mom, or perfect parent.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Jenn: It's not you it's me
There is that line that we feed each other- the one where someone tells you it's not you - nothing you did - its all about them - they are not ready or not right in the head or whatever. It’s an excuse that we use to make the other person feel better - to direct the feelings of inadequacy away from the other person and onto ourselves. Except its all a big fat lie. 'Cause if something isn't working out with someone than it is about them and you and the two of you together.
It's the same with our friends and our children. It's okay to get mad at them. It's not okay to take the blame every time you do. It is about them - whatever it was they did to piss you off and it's about you too. Some things we need to let go. Some things we don't. We need to teach our children that there are boundaries and ways to treat people with respect although you might not always agree with them. It's okay to disagree. This is something I am desperately trying to teach Mae. Every time I disagree with her, she thinks I am angry or mean or both. At the ripe old age of 11 she still thinks the world is one big happy place and there is no room for disagreement. I am trying to teach her that its ok to disagree and you can still be friends.
There are people in the world where everything is about them. I avoid those people. I need a give and take in my relationships. Sometimes its about me and sometimes its about you - most of the time its about our kids. As long as we're all on the same page than the world can be one big happy place.
Cara's two cents: Oh, it's totally you. It's not me. (hee hee)
It's the same with our friends and our children. It's okay to get mad at them. It's not okay to take the blame every time you do. It is about them - whatever it was they did to piss you off and it's about you too. Some things we need to let go. Some things we don't. We need to teach our children that there are boundaries and ways to treat people with respect although you might not always agree with them. It's okay to disagree. This is something I am desperately trying to teach Mae. Every time I disagree with her, she thinks I am angry or mean or both. At the ripe old age of 11 she still thinks the world is one big happy place and there is no room for disagreement. I am trying to teach her that its ok to disagree and you can still be friends.
There are people in the world where everything is about them. I avoid those people. I need a give and take in my relationships. Sometimes its about me and sometimes its about you - most of the time its about our kids. As long as we're all on the same page than the world can be one big happy place.
Cara's two cents: Oh, it's totally you. It's not me. (hee hee)
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Jenn: Kids come first
I am pinch hitting for Cara today. She is busy getting ready for MP's communion plus her MIL and her parents are in town - I am sure she is twitching now!
The good news is the budget passed! That is great news for our town and our kids. Our kids come first. That is what passing the budget is about.
I had plans for Friday night - it's Bunco night. I was really looking forward to it. Then I found out that Mae had to be at a technical rehearsal for her ballet performance this weekend and Sam has to be at Boy Scouts and Lu will be at Grandma's. Hubby is off this Friday so he can help me out - but even he can't two places at once and so I had to opt out of Bunco. I am not happy about it - I was looking forward to a GNO but my kids come first. There will be other nights out with the girls. Putting our kids first is what it means to be a parent. Some day they will be all grown up - sooner than we know - and we will have all the time in the world to do what we want. So for now, I will skip Bunco and take care of my family. I am glad I have three beautiful, healthy, kids that I can put first.
Cara's two cents: Thanks pal...one less thing for me to do today...good news is I am moving along I think my twitch maybe gone! :)
The good news is the budget passed! That is great news for our town and our kids. Our kids come first. That is what passing the budget is about.
I had plans for Friday night - it's Bunco night. I was really looking forward to it. Then I found out that Mae had to be at a technical rehearsal for her ballet performance this weekend and Sam has to be at Boy Scouts and Lu will be at Grandma's. Hubby is off this Friday so he can help me out - but even he can't two places at once and so I had to opt out of Bunco. I am not happy about it - I was looking forward to a GNO but my kids come first. There will be other nights out with the girls. Putting our kids first is what it means to be a parent. Some day they will be all grown up - sooner than we know - and we will have all the time in the world to do what we want. So for now, I will skip Bunco and take care of my family. I am glad I have three beautiful, healthy, kids that I can put first.
Cara's two cents: Thanks pal...one less thing for me to do today...good news is I am moving along I think my twitch maybe gone! :)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Cara: 20%
The 20% is what I talked about in my last post. The 20% that does everything. Like I said Jr. Prom is this weekend. Since I last wrote about it (the day before yesterday) I ordered 100 cupcakes, bought $90 worth of balloons, ran to the craft store to get more paint for a mural and laid on the floor in the hallway of the HS painting a mural. Really? And I really wouldn't mind or complain about all that, if I wasn't the 20%.
I like to be involved. I like to work with the kids and help make their school experience that much better whenever I can. I am a SAHM. It's my "job". Although a lot of moms work full or part time and they are still the ones rolling up their sleeves. No one puts a gun to my head and makes me do this stuff. But here I am complaining. Well, not really complaining, just discouraged I suppose. Come Saturday night when I know my Diva is dancing and having fun with her friends, making memories at her Jr. Prom it will have been worth it.
Someone sent me a poem about what your kids learn from you when you thought they weren't looking. I hope they learn that even if they end up being the 20% (poor girl of mine already is I'm afraid) it will be worth it. That if you say you are going to do something you do it come hell or high water. And you do it the best you can.
Did I mention that an undisclosed number of prom attendees and parents will be here on Saturday before prom to take pictures in my backyard? Yeah. Got flowers?
Monday, April 26, 2010
Cara:Sponge-Mom
Sometimes that's what I feel like...Sponge-Mom. (No relation to the burger flipping square pineapple inhabitant, thanks.)
My kids are good for having something that is bothering them and holding it in all day. Then when it's bedtime they suddenly feel the need to spill their guts. I often wonder why that is. I think maybe for the little one it's a safe feeling time. Mom comes in to make sure you are tucked in snug as a bug and then you feel the need to vent. Or for the bigger kids where it's run, run, run all day, most days...when Mom's in bed she is a captive audience, and maybe sitting at the foot of her bed is like lying on the psychiatrist's couch.
Back to bed only to find myself wide awake staring at the ceiling. They feel better but all that conflict and pain they were in, drained from them into me. I feel like a sponge that sopped up all the icky stuff off of them. So then at that point, I want to go punch some adult or make a voodoo doll of some rotten mean kid.
It's hard to be objective when your kid is having a hard time. It's hard to let them take their lumps and not solve all their problems. You can't and probably shouldn't.
Jenn's two cents: I think we need a momcation - no kids, no hubbies, no cell phones, nothing but margharitas on the beach!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Jenn: Happy Anniversary
This is my week for anniversaries. Sunday I celebrated 100 18 years of blissful marriage to my hubby and tomorrow I will celebrate 1 year of blogging with Cara!
My husband and I gave each other a driveway for our anniversary.That's what happens after 18 years - out go the oh-so-sweet giddy gifts and in come the yes-we-need-it practical gifts. When I searched for that list of gifts for all the years married, there are none suggested for 16 - 19. I guess whoever came up with the list decided that no gifts were needed for those years - I would like to suggest valium or vodka as an idea for those years - or anything that might give you more patience. Only the first 15 years of marriage are gift-worthy and then you skip to 20 before you get another. Kinda funny.
Cara and I have worked hard on our blog this year. We have had "blog" meetings where we have laughed until our sides hurt. We have cartooned ourselves. Cara has become a tech guru ( I leave that all to her...) We have revamped it and added some new features which are s l o w l y coming along. It might not be where we want it to be - but I think we are going in the right direction. We started this blog because we wereannoyed inspired by another, now very famous blogger, who talked about baby poop and post-partum and breast-feeding and other "mommy" topics, none of which pertained to us. We are moms passed that stage and into a whole different kind of parenting. We deal with teenagers and preteens and elementary school issues - we are passed the easy stuff of diaper changing and are now facing having children who drive. We know that being a mom is hard work - and we learn lessons from each other that we wanted to share. So The MoMentum of Motherhood aka Forwardmom was born. I have been happy to have a place to share my joy and frustrations. To pass along something I have learned. To become part of the blogging community. So Happy Blogiversary to us!
My husband and I gave each other a driveway for our anniversary.That's what happens after 18 years - out go the oh-so-sweet giddy gifts and in come the yes-we-need-it practical gifts. When I searched for that list of gifts for all the years married, there are none suggested for 16 - 19. I guess whoever came up with the list decided that no gifts were needed for those years - I would like to suggest valium or vodka as an idea for those years - or anything that might give you more patience. Only the first 15 years of marriage are gift-worthy and then you skip to 20 before you get another. Kinda funny.
Cara and I have worked hard on our blog this year. We have had "blog" meetings where we have laughed until our sides hurt. We have cartooned ourselves. Cara has become a tech guru ( I leave that all to her...) We have revamped it and added some new features which are s l o w l y coming along. It might not be where we want it to be - but I think we are going in the right direction. We started this blog because we were
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